Thats right, sick AGAIN. It's beginning to grate on me. Completely not good considering my birthday is in ten days. I need to look good for my birthday. I need to have lost weight but I can't get to the gym because I have no energy whatsoever. Not good. It's my own fault for staying out so late Friday night. I don't regret it thought, I had the most amazing night ever that night.
Right now I'm putting certain aspects of my life in perspective. I'm moving on, learning stuff about myself along the way. Certain people in particular. Certain people failing me. Just not what I need at all. It's making me think that the only people I need in my life are my mom and my best friend(s). They are the only ones who never ever fail me. To be honest that's quite sad to say that out loud, but its the truth.
What happened Friday is the reason I'm putting things into perspective. Right now I know where I stand, and sure it hurts like hell and its making me sad, but it was something I had to know. I couldn't wait in the dark forever. The person in question is making me think a lot about feelings right now. Whether I'm getting mixed up with love or caring about someone I don't actually. I think I loved this guy, but now I only care about him thanks to his stupid actions Friday.
Most of you probably don't know what I'm on about talking about Friday so vaguely. Let's just say I fell out of love, got disappointed, almost cried in front of a bunch of my friends - boys and girls. Over someone who I now know isn't worth anything. My thoughts, my love, my tears. Nothing at all. Sure it hurts like hell in saying that, but I need to allow that to sink in. I need to not think about the boy I fell in love with at school, who had the best eyes and best hair, who wasn't rude, who made me laugh, always talked to me. I need to think about the boy who ruined himself. The boy who ruined his hair. The boy who was rude to me all evening, not talking to me one second. The boy who made me almost cry that night. The boy who lost the sparkle in his eyes - because if I think about this person there is no way I will mix the feelings of love and caring up. I'll know the difference.
The boy who was at school I was in love with. The boy at the party is the one I care for. I care in the sense that I want him to well in life, I want him to go out there and make something of himself, I want him to ditch the girl that he is is with just for his sake - not so he can "go out" with me. I want him to realise that he should have been with me, and that I'm not there any more because of his own stupidity. I don't want to rub salt in any wounds, and no doubt if he ever came "running" to me for help I would help in a flash - because I care, not because I'm in love.
I almost crying at the fact that I'm writing this. I'm writing that I've fallen out of love with someone who I was really considering pouring myself into 100%. It scares me to think how easily I would have done so. I hate to think that he has changed, but it’s there in black and white and I need to grow up and accept that. My friends, I love them dearly, they were there for me that night. Two of them in particular. They’ve told me to get over him, it’s not that easy. Sadly I’m still hanging on, to part of him. He’s not “high school ---“ he’s “I’m rude to you, and I don’t acknowledge you ---“ and I need to understand that. Even if it means having to keep typing it, or reminding myself daily, I need to understand that. I need to remember that. I’m not suckering myself back in. I can’t afford to do that because really it hurts too much, and you make yourself look like an idiot in the process in front of people out of frustration and anger.
So tonight I need to promise myself something, don't fall so easily.
-L-
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