2009.

My end of year blog. The blog below was something I wrote when...well....a while ago. Right now I feel like I'm in a "happier" place. First off its Boxing Day, Christmas was yesterday and I had a great time. Dinner and presents with my family.

I had some wonderful gifts from my mother, father and brother. I had a new computer which I'm typing this blog on right now! I had some Marc Jacobs perfume, and some of you may know he is definitely one of my favourite designers. The bottle of the actual perfume is incredibly beautiful, I should twitpic it later. Of course I've stuffed myself to the brim so a diet in 2010 will be in order I think, haha!

To think that it's the end of 2009, well almost the end, is scary. Incredibly scary. This time next year I will be attending University. I will be working towards a job which will be for the rest of my life. I will be 19. So many things will have changed. I may have moved. I may be able to drive by then.

So the fact that it's almost the end of the year has got me thinking, what do I want to achieve for next year?

I want to have travelled to a couple of places. Definitely Los Angeles.

I want to have been on a holiday with just my friends. No mother. No father. No brother.

I would like to record one of the songs that I've written on my guitar. Maybe two?

I have no idea what else I want, I'll come back to this list.

I want to be in a happier place than I was a couple of weeks ago and what I am right now. I want to see if I can move on, so to speak. I want to grow as a person. I want to feel comfortable about everything within my life. Safe. Secure. I want to have fun! To not always care about what others are doing, just focus on my life. I want to achieve my dreams. I want to get my drive back. Sometimes I feel like 2009 knocked my confidence, but I'm definitely going to get that back.

I know that 2010 is going to bring a new me. Not a completely new me, but a person who is ready to embrace everything that is thrown towards her. 2010 is a new outlook and I'm ready to embrace that. I will keep to my new years resolutions. I will be positive. The glass is half full, definitely not half empty.

So here's to 2010...it's gonna be a good one, I'll tell ya!!!

-L-

You cut me and I just bleed.

I don't know where to start or what to say but I feel like this blog has to be full of home truths. I'm just going to let everything out and see what happens.

I don't like where I'm at right now in my life. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I'm not living my life. My body isn't my body. I don't feel at home when I am home. I'm not happy with what the world is offering me but I don't know how in the world to change it. I'm stuck in a rut. This never ending cycle that just keep going around and around. I'm not getting younger. I'm most definitely not getting happier; but I don't know how to change any of it.

I'm sad. I'm unhappy. I'm depressed. I feel like time after time I keep getting the raw end of the deal. I get the joke card and no one cares. When is the lottery guy; with the massive pointing finger off that ridiculously large hand going to point down and say, "It's you." When is that going to happen? Ever? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?

I'm sure if anyone's reading this they're thinking, what has she got to moan and worry about? She's got her health, good parents, money - not a lot but enough - fantastic friends...hell even a life. And please don't get me wrong I am incredibly grateful for everything I have but for once I'm going to be selfish and say that what I've got isn't enough.

I want my fairytale. I want the boy that I've been in love with ever since my eyes lay upon him. I want him to fall in love with me. I want him to come riding down the street and I want him to say he loves me too. I want him to say he's lay in bed at 3am crying and aching because he too feels alone, empty. Feels like everything around him, everything he has ever known doesn't make sense anymore. Doesn't make him feel happy, doesn't make him feel right, not like it used to. Because that's how I feel.

I feel like I want out, of everything. And sure you can say that's a cop out; but I just want to be loved by you...him. I just want everything to be easy for me, just this once. I just want to be in the right place at the right time, just this once. I wanna be the girl who comes first and gets the prize, not having to accept second place ribbon and no prize. I want the person who I've fallen in love with to tell me that they have fallen in love with me too.

I read a quote tonight which said something about how not telling someone you love them eats away at you. It does. I'm first hand, living proof of that. And I don't know what to do...I'm scared of your rejection but I feel like I can't continue living like this. I feel like I'm dying. I'm screaming out but there's no sound so I'm just going to say this - I need you, and I need you because I love you.

And to the person who this is to/about, I hope you know who you are. I pray that you do.

-L-

love....you really don't know the meaning of the word.

Honestly don't even begin preaching to me that you are in love with someone. You don't know the meaning of word. Really you don't know how it feels to continuously ache for days and days, weeks and weeks, hell try aching for three, almost four years straight and then get back to me; because right now you really can't say that. So please shut up for your own sake!

-L-

.

Why is it that you always pick the right songs? It's like they speak to me. It's like you are trying to speak to me through these certain songs. You say them out loud so I can find them, listen to them and know that you're speaking to me, thinking about me and no one else. Maybe that sounds like the most stupid thing I have ever written but honestly I don't care. I will never think anything different. Maybe that's scary but it's what keeps me living. It keeps me breathing. It keeps me believing. It's what keeps me feeling safe. The fact that maybe, what I feel for you, you feel about me too.


-L-

ive never going to stop loving you.

EVER.