I don't like where I'm at right now in my life. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I'm not living my life. My body isn't my body. I don't feel at home when I am home. I'm not happy with what the world is offering me but I don't know how in the world to change it. I'm stuck in a rut. This never ending cycle that just keep going around and around. I'm not getting younger. I'm most definitely not getting happier; but I don't know how to change any of it.
I'm sad. I'm unhappy. I'm depressed. I feel like time after time I keep getting the raw end of the deal. I get the joke card and no one cares. When is the lottery guy; with the massive pointing finger off that ridiculously large hand going to point down and say, "It's you." When is that going to happen? Ever? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?
I'm sure if anyone's reading this they're thinking, what has she got to moan and worry about? She's got her health, good parents, money - not a lot but enough - fantastic friends...hell even a life. And please don't get me wrong I am incredibly grateful for everything I have but for once I'm going to be selfish and say that what I've got isn't enough.
I want my fairytale. I want the boy that I've been in love with ever since my eyes lay upon him. I want him to fall in love with me. I want him to come riding down the street and I want him to say he loves me too. I want him to say he's lay in bed at 3am crying and aching because he too feels alone, empty. Feels like everything around him, everything he has ever known doesn't make sense anymore. Doesn't make him feel happy, doesn't make him feel right, not like it used to. Because that's how I feel.
I feel like I want out, of everything. And sure you can say that's a cop out; but I just want to be loved by you...him. I just want everything to be easy for me, just this once. I just want to be in the right place at the right time, just this once. I wanna be the girl who comes first and gets the prize, not having to accept second place ribbon and no prize. I want the person who I've fallen in love with to tell me that they have fallen in love with me too.
I read a quote tonight which said something about how not telling someone you love them eats away at you. It does. I'm first hand, living proof of that. And I don't know what to do...I'm scared of your rejection but I feel like I can't continue living like this. I feel like I'm dying. I'm screaming out but there's no sound so I'm just going to say this - I need you, and I need you because I love you.
And to the person who this is to/about, I hope you know who you are. I pray that you do.
-L-
