2009.

My end of year blog. The blog below was something I wrote when...well....a while ago. Right now I feel like I'm in a "happier" place. First off its Boxing Day, Christmas was yesterday and I had a great time. Dinner and presents with my family.

I had some wonderful gifts from my mother, father and brother. I had a new computer which I'm typing this blog on right now! I had some Marc Jacobs perfume, and some of you may know he is definitely one of my favourite designers. The bottle of the actual perfume is incredibly beautiful, I should twitpic it later. Of course I've stuffed myself to the brim so a diet in 2010 will be in order I think, haha!

To think that it's the end of 2009, well almost the end, is scary. Incredibly scary. This time next year I will be attending University. I will be working towards a job which will be for the rest of my life. I will be 19. So many things will have changed. I may have moved. I may be able to drive by then.

So the fact that it's almost the end of the year has got me thinking, what do I want to achieve for next year?

I want to have travelled to a couple of places. Definitely Los Angeles.

I want to have been on a holiday with just my friends. No mother. No father. No brother.

I would like to record one of the songs that I've written on my guitar. Maybe two?

I have no idea what else I want, I'll come back to this list.

I want to be in a happier place than I was a couple of weeks ago and what I am right now. I want to see if I can move on, so to speak. I want to grow as a person. I want to feel comfortable about everything within my life. Safe. Secure. I want to have fun! To not always care about what others are doing, just focus on my life. I want to achieve my dreams. I want to get my drive back. Sometimes I feel like 2009 knocked my confidence, but I'm definitely going to get that back.

I know that 2010 is going to bring a new me. Not a completely new me, but a person who is ready to embrace everything that is thrown towards her. 2010 is a new outlook and I'm ready to embrace that. I will keep to my new years resolutions. I will be positive. The glass is half full, definitely not half empty.

So here's to 2010...it's gonna be a good one, I'll tell ya!!!

-L-

You cut me and I just bleed.

I don't know where to start or what to say but I feel like this blog has to be full of home truths. I'm just going to let everything out and see what happens.

I don't like where I'm at right now in my life. I feel like I'm in the wrong place. I'm not living my life. My body isn't my body. I don't feel at home when I am home. I'm not happy with what the world is offering me but I don't know how in the world to change it. I'm stuck in a rut. This never ending cycle that just keep going around and around. I'm not getting younger. I'm most definitely not getting happier; but I don't know how to change any of it.

I'm sad. I'm unhappy. I'm depressed. I feel like time after time I keep getting the raw end of the deal. I get the joke card and no one cares. When is the lottery guy; with the massive pointing finger off that ridiculously large hand going to point down and say, "It's you." When is that going to happen? Ever? Tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?

I'm sure if anyone's reading this they're thinking, what has she got to moan and worry about? She's got her health, good parents, money - not a lot but enough - fantastic friends...hell even a life. And please don't get me wrong I am incredibly grateful for everything I have but for once I'm going to be selfish and say that what I've got isn't enough.

I want my fairytale. I want the boy that I've been in love with ever since my eyes lay upon him. I want him to fall in love with me. I want him to come riding down the street and I want him to say he loves me too. I want him to say he's lay in bed at 3am crying and aching because he too feels alone, empty. Feels like everything around him, everything he has ever known doesn't make sense anymore. Doesn't make him feel happy, doesn't make him feel right, not like it used to. Because that's how I feel.

I feel like I want out, of everything. And sure you can say that's a cop out; but I just want to be loved by you...him. I just want everything to be easy for me, just this once. I just want to be in the right place at the right time, just this once. I wanna be the girl who comes first and gets the prize, not having to accept second place ribbon and no prize. I want the person who I've fallen in love with to tell me that they have fallen in love with me too.

I read a quote tonight which said something about how not telling someone you love them eats away at you. It does. I'm first hand, living proof of that. And I don't know what to do...I'm scared of your rejection but I feel like I can't continue living like this. I feel like I'm dying. I'm screaming out but there's no sound so I'm just going to say this - I need you, and I need you because I love you.

And to the person who this is to/about, I hope you know who you are. I pray that you do.

-L-

love....you really don't know the meaning of the word.

Honestly don't even begin preaching to me that you are in love with someone. You don't know the meaning of word. Really you don't know how it feels to continuously ache for days and days, weeks and weeks, hell try aching for three, almost four years straight and then get back to me; because right now you really can't say that. So please shut up for your own sake!

-L-

.

Why is it that you always pick the right songs? It's like they speak to me. It's like you are trying to speak to me through these certain songs. You say them out loud so I can find them, listen to them and know that you're speaking to me, thinking about me and no one else. Maybe that sounds like the most stupid thing I have ever written but honestly I don't care. I will never think anything different. Maybe that's scary but it's what keeps me living. It keeps me breathing. It keeps me believing. It's what keeps me feeling safe. The fact that maybe, what I feel for you, you feel about me too.


-L-

ive never going to stop loving you.

EVER.

"step out"

My Jonas Blog is finally here, it's so late that even I need to slap my own wrist. Sorry about that btw! I'm just going to tell you how my week went and stuff so here goes nothing....

Tuesday was the first show here in the UK. We went to college in the morning to get our mark and then skipped the afternoon. Finished college early in the morning and I of course had to make a last minute dash/shop in Topshop because I needed some earrings haha....so myself and Erica walk into Topshop in Selfridges and BAM! who should we see other than Christa Black and Caroline Buckman. If you don't know who these two are then shame on you! Haha! They are the "beautiful and talented JB string session" as NickJ says.

They were both so friendly. They asked us so much stuff. Loved our accents. Asked how we even knew who they were. We didn't get a picture because I completely forgot my camera but we had so much fun "topshopping" with them! Haha! We then ran home, got changed and jumped on the train to the LG Arena. Let me tell you that night was full of highs and lows emotionally.

The last time myself and Erica has seen Kevin, Joe and Nick in this very arena was in May 2008 when they were SUPPORTING Avril Lavigne. Now the key word in that sentence is the word SUPPORT because a little over a year later they had filled out this arena just for themselves. I was so unbelievably proud and I still am right in this very moment. We got Soundcheck stuff and we get into the arena, everyone of course is freaking out but I find myself completely still. Just wanting to see the boys again. Christa was waving to us in the soundcheck and everyone wanted to know why -cue crap loads of people cutting their eyes at us haha-then the boys walked on and first words out of Joe's mouth. "Its so great to be back in a country that speaks English" you've gotta love that boy.

They soundchecked, sang with a girl, answered questions and then left. Joe promised to sing "Please Be Mine", of course that didn't happen. Haha! So we leave the arena and go and grab some food, which I couldn't even eat because I was so anxious about the show. We waited and GCC came on, then our seats got bumped up and we had such an amazing view. Cue the waiting for the boys to come on. Its kinda sad how myself and Erica know the order in which the warm up music runs.

"Ohh Baby Give Me One More Chance...you know whats next?"
"Reptillia"
"Then Message In a Bottle"

The boys came on and everyone went haywire, including myself. Give me a break, its been six months since I've last seen them! Haha! I'll be the first to say that I cried. The first time ever I have ever and I mean EVER cried at a band. I didn't cry because of the band. I cried for a more personal reason. They have come so far. I have seen how much they have grown. For them to be back in the venue where I saw them a little over a year ago, when they were supporting, and they were playing it to THEIR fans, NOT Avril's mad me so super happy for them. They completely deserve everything that comes/is coming their way. I will forever support them no matter what.

Birmingham was an amazing show to open up the tour with and I was thankful that I could attend it.

*

Next up was Wembley. The mighty Wembley. They love Wembley, end of story. I love Wembley, end of story. So many amazing memories from June are held in that building. We had front row so of course we were incredibly pumped. London is just an awesome place. John Taylor poned the whole pointing and telling people where we are seated. Greg completely owns the whole posing for ours cameras. Joe owns "BB GOOD" and our inside joke, which he completely remembers all the way from Hammersmith. Kevin...haha you've gotta love him. And finally, nickj who just loves singing World War Three at us and continually staring. To top it off meeting him in the Harrods...hahaha!

*

Finally Manchester! BEST SHOW EVER! MOST AMAZING CROWD. "Hey lobby girl" Tom Selleck. "Step out" Just no words. I was just immensely proud. So many inside jokes...staying inside jokes.

*

I know this isn't the best, but I just love to keep certain things to myself because....well just because.

Until next time.

-L-

Next week.....

Next week expect an epic video blog. A JONAS ROADTRIP BABY!

BIRTHDAY WEEKEND IN PICTURES!

Birthday Weekend!!!

First off I just want to thank everyone for the comments wishing me a happy birthday! They made me smily tremendously, so thank you again!

I had a wonderful birthday weekend, so many presents, so much fun! I absolutely love my friends. This weekend has taught me who my real friends are, and they know who they are!

Friday I had a party, which was short notice, but it went better than I expect. Yesterday me, erica, laura and amy went to Birmingham Lights -which of course was a fail and got cancelled, and then pizza hut which was an absolute win! German Market to buy doughnuts and feel like an absolute fatty by the end of the night.

Wanna know the best way to end a birthday weekend...doing an history essay! Party like a rockstar! :)

-L-

Sick and putting things into perspective.

Thats right, sick AGAIN. It's beginning to grate on me. Completely not good considering my birthday is in ten days. I need to look good for my birthday. I need to have lost weight but I can't get to the gym because I have no energy whatsoever. Not good. It's my own fault for staying out so late Friday night. I don't regret it thought, I had the most amazing night ever that night.

Right now I'm putting certain aspects of my life in perspective. I'm moving on, learning stuff about myself along the way. Certain people in particular. Certain people failing me. Just not what I need at all. It's making me think that the only people I need in my life are my mom and my best friend(s). They are the only ones who never ever fail me. To be honest that's quite sad to say that out loud, but its the truth.

What happened Friday is the reason I'm putting things into perspective. Right now I know where I stand, and sure it hurts like hell and its making me sad, but it was something I had to know. I couldn't wait in the dark forever. The person in question is making me think a lot about feelings right now. Whether I'm getting mixed up with love or caring about someone I don't actually. I think I loved this guy, but now I only care about him thanks to his stupid actions Friday.

Most of you probably don't know what I'm on about talking about Friday so vaguely. Let's just say I fell out of love, got disappointed, almost cried in front of a bunch of my friends - boys and girls. Over someone who I now know isn't worth anything. My thoughts, my love, my tears. Nothing at all. Sure it hurts like hell in saying that, but I need to allow that to sink in. I need to not think about the boy I fell in love with at school, who had the best eyes and best hair, who wasn't rude, who made me laugh, always talked to me. I need to think about the boy who ruined himself. The boy who ruined his hair. The boy who was rude to me all evening, not talking to me one second. The boy who made me almost cry that night. The boy who lost the sparkle in his eyes - because if I think about this person there is no way I will mix the feelings of love and caring up. I'll know the difference.

The boy who was at school I was in love with. The boy at the party is the one I care for. I care in the sense that I want him to well in life, I want him to go out there and make something of himself, I want him to ditch the girl that he is is with just for his sake - not so he can "go out" with me. I want him to realise that he should have been with me, and that I'm not there any more because of his own stupidity. I don't want to rub salt in any wounds, and no doubt if he ever came "running" to me for help I would help in a flash - because I care, not because I'm in love.

I almost crying at the fact that I'm writing this. I'm writing that I've fallen out of love with someone who I was really considering pouring myself into 100%. It scares me to think how easily I would have done so. I hate to think that he has changed, but it’s there in black and white and I need to grow up and accept that. My friends, I love them dearly, they were there for me that night. Two of them in particular. They’ve told me to get over him, it’s not that easy. Sadly I’m still hanging on, to part of him. He’s not “high school ---“ he’s “I’m rude to you, and I don’t acknowledge you ---“ and I need to understand that. Even if it means having to keep typing it, or reminding myself daily, I need to understand that. I need to remember that. I’m not suckering myself back in. I can’t afford to do that because really it hurts too much, and you make yourself look like an idiot in the process in front of people out of frustration and anger.

So tonight I need to promise myself something, don't fall so easily.

-L-

Everytime you smile, I smile.

Time: 10:02pm
Date: 25th October 2009

You know when you look at someone and your whole world stops, I get that with you. You know when you have the worst day in the entire world but you look a text someone as text you and a smile instantly forms on your face, I get that from you. I get absolutely everything from you. I actually really don't know how I lived before you came into my life. I actually don't think I was living. You walked into my life and everything clicked. Sure there are times where I feel down and you can't pick me back up, but eventually I end up turning back to you and you're still there waiting for me, waiting for the moment where I've picked myself back up, all the pieces and you're waiting with the glue to finally fix everything, and put everything back into the right place.

I'm currently sitting in my cinema room writing this blog. I've got the television on for background sound, and the xfactor results show has just gone off. I don't care about anything. Anything other than you. Experiencing love whilst you are in and experiencing the love while you aren't in are two different things. The reasons that I love someone change daily; but the underlying thing is always still there. The actual emotion is still there. The love is still there. It actually never goes away in fact. I know that it never will go away.

These past two/three months have been such a rollercoaster with me. I've hated, I've loved, I've felt emotionless. I've cursed your name like no other. I've lied, mainly to myself, but I've lied all the same. I kid myself all the time. I pretend. But after all that I still love. Nothing will ever change that.

Life seems to be moving so quickly of late, so many things happening and changing. I'm not changing, just the things going on around me. All I'm simply doing is adapting to those changes. I have to set so many things into perspective, and just because you may not be number one now doesn't mean that I don't love you. I love you the most its just that sometimes you have to be on the back burner whilst I sort my life out, because I don't want my life to be a complete mess when you walk into it properly.

Turning eighteen is huge step that is actually happening in eighteen days. It doesn't scare me, I'm waiting to embrace it. I'm excited to be embrace it, but it's made me realise something. I'm growing up. Going out there and seeing the world on my own. And though you may not be by my side now, I know you're just lurking in the shadows waiting for the right time to step out into the spotlight and scoop me up. And when that time comes I know I'll be prepared, I'll be ready, I'll fall into you 100%. And you want to know why, because I'll be ready.

Jump and fall into me.
-L-

Half Term: Work List to complete

Media:
Gather research (done)
Make a summary of my research (done)
Draft one of essay

History:
Gather research (done)
Essay plan

Blogging Again!

I'm backkkkkkk! Sosososososo SO excited to be blogging. I need this stress relief. I'm on half term from college right now and of course I'm up to my eyeballs in work. Here's the list that I need to do:

Media:
Gather research (done)
Make a summary of my research
Draft one of essay

History:
Gather research (done)
Essay plan

Okay I suppose when you look at it that way I haven't really got that much to do but when you put it into practice I have so much work left to do. I just really wish that I was back in primary school again because when you have actual school holidays you can have fun. Now its all about locking yourself away to work and work some more. I need to try and find a happy medium with this because if I don't do it now when it comes to university I'm going to have such a sucky three years.

UCAS. Almost finished, just need to add a few things that I forgot last time and then the next three years of my life is gonna be in the hands of someone else - scary stuff.

Next week, party. Today I learnt something new, something that made my stomach turn over with excitement. I have a party next week which has been made ten thousand times better because of a certain person going. I'm excited. I'm going to speak some truths. Actions speaks louder than words.

Oh and its my birthday in 20 days, just thought I'd throw that out there ;)

-L-

stressful

October started out great, fantastic even. Today turned stressful. I'm so stressed out about college, university, home life. I need someone or something to take my mind of things. I'm so annoyed, angry and stressed out at the moment. :|

killer weekend

love my friends.

I almost forgot what it's like to be ill....

Now I've remembered :(

The last time I can remember myself being ill has got to be about one year ago. I really don't get that ill. Oranges are one of my favourite fruits, so I thank that obsession with them for being one of the reasons. But now I'm sick, I have the worst sore throat ever and such a terrible ear ache. I almost forgot what the feeling was like to be ill, but I remembered. I just want to sleep this weekend away and hope for recovery because I need to stay on top of everything at college.

My first full week back at college happened this week, and it actually wasn't too bad. My college has messed up my time table though and I'm going to be at least one week behind on my studies for History because it clashes with both my other subjects and of course I can't be in more than one place at one time. So I'm still waiting on my college to sort that out!

Stressful times when it comes to organising university choices which is my main concern at this very moment, but of course I can't concentrate on anything for more than five seconds because I feel so terrible. I have my five choices I believe but now I just need to look futher into them to make sure that my choices are final so I can start my personal statement stuff.

On a much lighter note my 18th Birthday is 55 days away hahaha.....yes I'm counting!

-L-

Reality begins tomorrow

Reality. College. Everything going back to normal.

My last year of college starts tomorrow. Well not officially. I officially start Monday, but tomorrow and Friday I have to do these stupid inductions which really aren't necessary at all. I can't believe how fast this year has gone, its actually quite scary. So many things have happened to me this year some for the worst and some for the better but I feel that they have made me change my outlook on life. They have made me a better person, a stronger person.

I can't believe I turn eighteen in two months. I can't believe this time next year I will be starting University, where ever that is I don't actually know, whether its in England or not I don't know. All I know is that I have 8 months of college to do and then I'm finished. THEN I'm going to have the best summer of my entire life. So much is going to go down in the Summer of 2010 that its mind-blowing. I'm doing anything and everything I have ever dreamed to do.

I am blessed and sure tomorrow means the start of all my free time being taken up by school work but its also another day closer to the best summer I will ever be able to imagine. Now if that isn't the best incentive then I don't know what is...

-L-

Today is just one of those days....

Honestly I just broke down in tears and cried the hardest I have done in a while. Now I'm currently blasting "Sorry" because its such a personal song to me. I have no idea where to put myself right now, and this is going to seem really rushed and no where near in detail but I feel like I need to get something down. I'm breaking down from the inside out. Tearing myself up. I hate myself for sinking so deep. Allowing myself to fall. I hate myself for allowing everything about me break. I changed my outlook on boys because of you and its the most rewarding thing I have ever done, but right now I'm regretting it cause I am severely hurting.

I want to open up your eyes and show you a whole other world. A world I know you would be comfortable in. A world that I would make you comfortable in. I've got this pit, gut, nervous feeling hanging in my stomach now. I really need you to be here, and just hold me. That's it. That's all I will ever need. I feel like nothing will ever make this feeling go away. I could write a thousand songs or more and nothing will ever be able to take the feeling away. The pain. The love. The hurt. The happiness.

I hate being in two minds over everything. I hate no knowing. I just need you to wake up, sooner rather than later. Everything needs to fall in place cause I feel like I'm depending on it. I know its fear of rejection that holds me back, but if I am rejected, knocked back, then I know I would definitely die inside.

Just so you know, I'm thinking about you today...

My boy is back....

Honestly right now I am the happiest I have ever been. Tomorrow is a fantastic day in my eyes every single year. The person I think a lot about is completely happy. He's just the one I fell in love with. The boy who just caught my attention and I've hung in knowing that deep down somewhere under his guard 'he' is still there and today I saw 'him' again. I will never ever feel this way about anyone else ever. Unconditional love. Forever and ever.

Thank you God for bringing him back to me, even though I know he never actually left.

- A girl with a healed heart

5am this morning would have been midnight there...

NEW YORK CITY
TIMES SQUARE
MIDNIGHT
A LITTLE BIT LONGER
3 BROTHERS
20,000+ PEOPLE
TIMES SQUARE BEING BOUGHT TO A STANDSTILL
BURNING UP TOUR
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN
SORRY - JONAS BROTHERS
THE ONLY ENGLISH GIRL IN THE CROWD OF PEOPLE, MY ACCENT ATTRACTING SO MANY FANS...HAHAHA
FINALLY GETTING INTO THE STORE AND BUYING THE CD
FEELING THE HAPPIEST I'VE EVER FELT
SO MANY MEMORIES

ONE YEAR LATER AND I STILL LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART, LIKE I DID BACK THEN, IF NOT STRONGER. YOU HAVE MY HEART. ALWAYS HAVE, ALWAYS WILL.
<3

im scared that my dad is right....

I'm scared that my dad is right, but that is not a bad thing.

In fact it couldn't be any further from being a bad thing. it would be a fantastic thing. the only bad thing is the whole being scared of the the 'thing' that is going to make me the happiest I've been ever.

I don't know.....

True, it may seem like a stretch
But its thoughts like this that catch
My troubled head when you’re away
When I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

im not letting you do this to me....

I maybe over-reacting or whatever, but you are not doing this to me. I am not going to let you. I am sick to death of you going to anything with a pulse for a rebound. You need to take control of your life. Sure I maybe reading into something way too much but its a joke. For the past week I have been the happiest I have been for a while and I feel like that because I haven't had any drama from you. My life was simple and just fun and here you go again putting a downer on everything.

Maybe its just better for me to take you out of my life completely because you always some how make me depressed. I can't be dealing with this. I want to be happy and as much as I love you, you are really making me angry of late. It hurts me so much to say that but its true. I don't want to be made sad by the person I love the most but that is what is happening.

I need a break from you. You and your stupid insecurities that you need to deal with without going to the nearest rebound. You need to deal with your own issues mentally and not be scared of being alone. Its ridiculous.

For now, I can't be dealing with anything like this. I need to drown myself in things that make me happy and it makes me sad to say that you seem to no longer be one of those things. I will always love you without a doubt. Right now I need to deal with some things, and you can't be a part of it.

<3

August, already?! Say what?!

I can't believe how fast this year has gone. Its literally just flown by. Honestly I can't believe I'm legal in like 3 months time. Not that its going to really change anything in my life. I don't like drinking so that isn't going to be added in my daily lifestyle or anything. Its just going to mean being an adult now. Kinda hard to...like take in. However its going to mean I can go to see people like Fightstar now, considering they only do 18 and over gigs. hahaha!

ANDDDD meaning me and my bestie can hit up lots of festivals and go on holiday together without really having to ask our parents (other than the fact we will need to "loan" money from them to pay for it).

Random.....oh and on a brighter note my life and myself are really happy lately..... :D

tumblr

tumblr...i got it....a while ago lol
if you wanna see it head over to: http://www.lizzwhitehouse.tumblr.com

:)

I keep thinking about you....

Today you are all I have been thinking about. Constantly on my mind. I just don't know what to do. When I saw at the beginning of the week it had been a while since we had last seen each other and there was just an attraction as soon as we looked at each other. Its driving me insane. The worst thing about it is that you have a girlfriend. Why must God does this to me?

You are the first actual person I have liked that is actually in reach. You are the most amazing guy I have met (other than the one who I know deep down is out of reach) and I don't know what to do. I just want to know what could happen. Really I want to know. We looked at each other and it was just like whoa, honestly I've never had that before (once again other than with the guy who is now out of reach and wasn't when I had that with him).

When you're girlfriend came to the place the look on your face almost killed me. It was like "I'm so sorry I would like to but ehh *point to girlfriend*".

I suppose you win some and lose some huh?

Memories like the corners of my mind...Scattered pictures of the smiles we left behind.

happy happy happy

"and I'm watching you..."

AYO.
Happy blog finally. Whatsssuppppp peeps.

As I said yesterday was one of my best/worst days. Here's why it was one of the best days. I don't care whether any of you actually believe any of this, (if any of you still read this ha!) but I know what is true and what isn't.

Yesterday I pried myself away from the computer and went to a local concert not far from where I live with my best friend. Let me tell you I love the Jonas Brothers a whole lot, but You Me At Six are slowly creeping up there. They are amazing boys. Truly awesome. We hung out with them for most of the day. No actually being fans. We'd met the guys before, seen them before, had pictures before. This time around we just talked to them, and hung out without acting like fans. It was actually awesome.

Josh. Let me tell you. When I last saw them, no way did I have a favourite. However right now its all about the Franceschi. He is incredibly nice. Constantly tried to make us laugh the entire time. They make you feel so at ease. We talked to all the others too. Max was actually the first YM@6 boy that we saw. He was smoking a cig and was just chilling and stuff. It was weird how they actually swore around us and stuff, but so cool that they were so at ease with us.

Josh was the one we hung out with the most. He was standing there on his phone and he looks up and like smiles hugely to us. Comes to us after he ends his call and is talking about the show and stuff. How they wanted to just play covers for the entire night. Someone mentioned Jonas Brothers and Metro Station to him. Don't get me wrong I love those bands with everything in me (especially Jonas) so before anyone tries to bash me or anything, let me just get that out there.

Some other girls came, they were a lot younger than us and were kinda freaking out, but it was all good. Someone asks him if he was going to cover Jonas Brothers and Metro Station. Now automatically when you see someone you know what their age is, I believe so anyway. You know who you connect with and who you don't. Like when you're at a concert you know when one of the singers/band is looking at you cause you feel the connection.

So Josh turns to me and my friend and is like. "Yeah we are totally going to cover Metro Station and Jonas Brothers" and you could tell the sarcasm was right there and he stares at me and my friend as if to say come on, that is not going to happen. So he like raises his eyebrow, meaning some people really don't understand do they and of course we start laughing cause we sense the sarcasm straight away but apparently one of the younger girls doesn't cause she turns to him and is like "OMGOMGOMG" and he looks at her and says "That was a joke btw". He looks back at us and rolls his eyes. Seriously, he is downright awesome.

Everyone disperses and we are standing there and he's signing someones stuff and he mentions something about food and then goes back inside (after staring at us for so long, like staring as in checking us out. Believe what you want to believe but you know when someone is doing that). He comes back out after talking to the rest of the guys and is like "Right, I'm going to get some food, because I'm a fatty" and then he walks off down the street. We of course are laughing cause people are like freaking out and stuff, and to us its just Josh.

Then Matt and Dan come out and stare directly at myself and my bestie and go "So we're going to get food now. Who's coming?" They look at us and we smile and they just stare as if to say get some food with us. We weren't hungry, so we didn't go with them in the end, we should have because it would have been freaking awesome.

So Josh returns and we're standing by the door talking to some friends and stuff. He tries to make us laugh so bad, its funny cause you know when a guy is really trying to get your attention, his attitude was exactly like that. He walks to the guard we are with and he gets right in his face and starts making weird faces and noises, trying to get us to crack up. I stared at him and he was staring back at me, for a while actually it was kinda hilario. He was with his brother and they went behind the door and were talking and stuff. You know when someone is talking about you cause they look directly at us after they do it. Well that's what Josh and his brother did they moved away from the door and then stared at me and my friend. I was kinda....I don't know how to put it to be honest, but Josh is really, really nice.

So he walks inside and then we go grab some food and stuff and eat. We come back and Max is talking to us about the crappy in4merz people and he's like "Who the fuck are in4merz? I've never heard of them. We ain't working with them." and we are still telling him how this promotional team is saying they are working with them and then he's like "How do you spell it? What's there website, we're gonna sort this out" and its funny to see him trying to spell in4merz he was like speaking it out as he typed it into his phone. "in-4-mer-z" hahaha honestly he's such a cutie. When he was trying to explain something he talks with his hands, and when he couldn't think of a word he was saying "Fuckin'" and like dragging it out so he could think of the word.

So as Max is having his cigarette, Josh sticks his head out and looks at us again, making sure we were still there and says something to Max and he whips his head around to us and smiles, and goes back inside. So we're chilling and before we could do anything who should come out again other than Joshua Franceschi. He's talking to us about stuff and everyone (aka the young people) are like "Can you talk to my friend?" like twenty different times over and its funny cause he takes all these phones off of them. He takes pics with people and you can tell he gets slightly awkward when doing it. He walks off down the road with this girls phone and then turns back up the road, and with me being directly opposite to him he was staring at me the entire time he was walking up the road. He does this thing where he stares at you, and squints his eyes slightly in a mysterious way. He did not take his eyes off of me the entire time, until he turned around and passed the phone back to the girl.

Josh's girlfriend came and I felt sorry for her a bunch of girls were like she's trampy and stuff. She gave off the feeling of being intimidated when she walked past myself and my friend (sorry if this sounds big-headed) because she bowed her head. We then went around to the queue (which was massive) and went into the concert.

Josh and Max (Man its like I'm only talking about those two lol) came on stage when Attack Attack were on and sang backing vocals. It was hilarious cause Josh took the piss out of the lead singer. He took his mic first and then went behind him and started like humping him. Then he was flipping the "v" sign into his face and was laughing so hard it was effin hilarious.

Then after two supports. YM@6 finally came on!

So Max is trying to get the crowd going and keeps saying "leamington spa" and stuff and he's finishes his "pep talk" and Josh does the sigh of "Wanker and blowjob" towards Max and starts laughing. Fucking Hilarious. Oh and I Josh was all like "Leamington Spa fucking make some noise" or something to that effect, he definitely said "fucking" anyways. Hands down love these boys.

We were near the front (more to Max's side) and Josh was staring at us and singing at us, as was Max cause those were the two who we hung out with the most so they recognised us. The crowd was insane and Josh (who had talked to us earlier obviously knew our accents from Birmingham) so he goes before "Save it for the bedroom" - "Anyone here from Birmingham?" *scream* "My mother's from Birmingham, I have family there" *cue Josh's attempt at the accent* "Anyway, this song that we are going to sing is dedicated to everyone from Birmingham and its called Save It For The Bedroom". ;)

The concert was freaking amazing. I really needed to have an amazing time with some awesome people. It was funny at the end cause Dan was kinda drunk and Max was like "Yeah, yeah. I've 'sorted out' that In4merz thing." it was funny.

Josh by far the best guy I've met in long time. So geniune. "...and I'm watching you" ;)
"We finished writing our new album and to be honest its a bit shit. Just kidding, its awesome"

I'm definitely going to see them again soon. So many good memories, and good inside jokes that I could fill a blog with but it's just not needed. The only one that is needed is that

"....and I'm watching you" one ;) ;) ;) ;)
oh and the "I'm going to be honest before I came here I didn't even know about Leamington Spa. But let me tell you Leamington Spa is my kinda place" ;) ;) ;) ;)

hahahahahahaha
ending. bye bye.

I'm here for you.

Yesterday was actually one of the worst and best days ever this year. (The reason for it being one of the best I will post in another blog). Yesterday I moved myself away from the computer and spent the day with my best friend and some others going to a concert not far from where we live. The band are known, but are incredibly down to earth guys so we just hung out with them (near enough) for the entire day. You Me At Six are incredible, let me tell you (if you didn't know it already), but I'm completely going off task here.

Yesterday news broke out about something that is really close to my heart, or should I say someone. That person is someone I love very dearly. They mean a lot to me and to see them hurting makes me hurt. Yesterday I was hurting. I was hurting because that person was hurting and I wanted to take away as much of that pain as I could, but I couldn't do it. I wasn't anywhere near them and I kinda felt selfish enjoying myself yesterday because of how much the person I would do anything for was hurting.

I hate the person who hurt him. I hate them. I saw it coming a mile off and night after night I talked to my mother about the same thing and she would always say the same. "She's out to do to him what he did to his ex-girlfriend" and she did. She did exactly that. Now he's feeling so much pain. I know what they say about karma and everything, but no one and I mean no one deserves to feel any sort of pain. Particularly when you are so in love with someone that you are blinded by it, and to be honest he did wear rose-tinted glasses when it came to her.

I am here for him. Friends help friends and I'm only ever an email, iChat or phone call away. I always will be here, no matter what happens. He can get over this. He will get over this. He needs to take time out and re-evaluate his life now and truly think about himself for once. I want him to be happy with himself first and formost. I will always love him. No matter what. I will always have his back. No matter what. I never liked that girl, and I never will.

My friend, will be okay because I'm here for him.

Did you ever once believe that maybe things didn't work out because fate knew that you deserved better?

I love you.

You are so beautiful to me,

I feel like a happy blog. Today I was thinking about the same person I always think of and I'm currently watching Loose Women and they were talking about 'the one' and whether it is actually true. One of the ladies said "usually you know who 'the one' is for you as soon as you meet them, the first time you meet them you know." I actually believe this. I knew as soon as I met the person who I constantly talk/think/write about I knew he was the one.

I think you can tell. You don't just get an attraction from looks, but also you feel like this connection with that person. When I first met the guy I was talking about I first watched him from afar and noticed his confident style demeanor and when he started talking to me he seemed sensitive and shy. We clicked. It was entirely way too weird and something I wasn't expecting but it happened. When we hugged, we both went in for the hug at the same time. It was just like we were drawn together. He was the first guy that I ever got butterflies from.

I always thought I was in love with this guy from school but looking back on it, I really wasn't. I know where near felt about the guy from school as I do about the guy I actually am in love with. I actually never got nervous, or butterflies around the guy from school. With the guy I'm in love with I get that. I become excited, I constantly smile or laugh. I always have to look at him and get such a rush when I see him looking back at me, or when he tries to pretend he's not looking but I catch him anyway.

I honestly never feel happier than I do when I'm in his presence. When I'm not in his presence he is all I think about, all I want to talk about and I always just want to be around him. I believe in 'the one', I believe there is one person who is out there for you and I've found my person. Whether God allows that person to be in my life more than he already is I won't know because I don't know God's path for me yet. Hopefully it's going to be an amazing journey which does indeed include my 'the one'.

I'm feeling happier, yet sadder at the same time...

I have no idea what has come over me at the moment. I'm happy believe me I am, but there is still part of my heart that is aching tremendously. I'm trying to become more at peace with myself and my life. I'm trying to reach for more, and believe me I'm not giving up. I feel like everything is sinking in now and I'm going to bide my time. Of course I'm talking about a particular person but that's for later on in the blog.

Yesterday my friend showed me pictures of my old school crush. Well I believed I was in love with him. I looked at him and gosh did I feel sick. Really I had no idea why I liked that person in the first place, he was nothing but an idiot! Really, I just couldn't see past it and I think that's where my heart's peace has come into it - I'm finally over him and what I believed we had at school.

As for the other person who's making my heart ache - its not really in a bad way - I'm so in love with that person that I'm prepared to take the bad with the good, of course its going to be hard, but I don't know, I'm not ready to give up just yet. I'm not prepared to give up that every time we meet we both click with each other and some may say its in my head but I know deep down in my heart that's it's really not. I'm here when you need me, never forget that...

But it don't mean that this ain't right, we just both need a little more time...

There you go again breaking my heart.

I don’t want to be selfish, I really really don’t, but you’re killing me here. I’m in love with you so much that it hurts. It hurts me more and more with each passing moment. With each passing day, month. I don’t want you to be unhappy, I love you too much to want you to be unhappy, but I want you to stop flaunting it. Please. I’m trying my hardest to move on, even though I don’t want to. I’m trying, even though I love you so much I don’t want to. I’m in a lose lose situation and it’s painful. I’m at a cross roads and want to turn the way I need to turn to get away but I can’t cause I know even though I’m in pain now, the pain I’ll have if I turn away and leave you and this situation, these feelings, will be so excruciating that I may as well forget what life is all about and just curl up in ball. Please don’t make me have to make that decision, please.